Episode 1

And so i schooled at Sekolah Rendah Bokok, Temburong until Primary 6.  That time, was my first time joining  netball.  And my first time also got a “B” for my English.  I loved to write a composition where there’s pictures only and you can write what you imagine.  I really missed that.

My childhood at that time was awesome.  Like we played hide and seek, ice and water, and three sticks.  Well, instead of sticks, we used our shoes.  We played in the classroom. Imagine the size of it, it’s not like nowadays.  We run up and down like we really enjoyed it.  I miss those kind of fun.

After final exam that we called P.C.E (Primary Certificate Education), i got 3 C’s, 1 B and 1 D.  And i got in the Secondary School at Pekan Bangar, Temburong.  My first time to got on a school bus, and kind of awkward at that time.  I’m not saying, not good surroundings but just awkward.  Gladly this one of my relatives like friendly to me just to make me comfortable.

One stepped to secondary school, i imagined that i’m in a college but in uniform.  Couldn’t remember those years, but what i remembered; my head teacher of the class, who used to be Science teacher.  Threw his file to the front desk, told us to stand up on the chair and way back of the class, he threw the chairs and tables which luckily no one sits there.  He’s mocking on what we had done.  You know kids those days, naughty.  Well not all, only some that made we all get screwed.  And now he’s an English teacher.

Did i got in a fight?  Well, almost.  I was in the bus and i told the bus driver just go straight ahead first and once U-turn, then pick the rest of them.  I don’t remember why i did that.  So in the bus, the rest of them we’re bad mood.  So at school, i was playing it cool like never happened.  So when break time, most of the students were hangout in front of each class.  Sometimes, from other classed hangout at their friends front of the class.  So in front of my class, there’s two girls like hangout.  So when i was going to enter my class, they were looking at me like really serious.  So i just don’t mind and just entered.  Then after few days, they hangout in front of my class again, and i remembered i just passed them by and they called me “Bob The Builder” and they were laughing out loud.  But still, i just played it cool and that moment i know they want to pick a fight.  So i just sat in the class.

When i was in form 2, me and my family moved to town to live on our own.  We rent the from the government’s house and my mom start a business.

That year, the moment that i’d never forget.  The worst moment so far.  I don’t know where to start.  My mom cried and my dad super angry at me when i caught there’s a smoke bud in my room and the smell.  My mom slap me and hit me with her bare hands. I couldn’t stop crying and i just kept silent.  I didn’t even said i was sorry at that time. How cruel i was.  Then at school, i was been called from the principal that i caught smoking in school also.  Gladly, i didn’t got suspended.  They just gave me warning.

Almost two weeks, my mom didn’t talked to me.  I was pretending that this would never happen but how could i.  The eldest one in the family showed my siblings a bad example how to be good, end up with disaster.  Especially made my parents disappointed.  I remember that i want to shake my mom’s hand and she said “Just go,”  And that moment, when i looked at her, she looked away and that moment i was hurt inside.

I was just trying something new and thought it would be cool but no.  It made it worst. I knew that smoking is bad but still i tried.  What a spoil brat at that time.

After a month passed by, my mom and i talked again and been told to learn from the past and just move on like nothing’s happen.

The Beginning.

I cannot recall how i was when i was born.  Until the age of, maybe 3 or 4 or 5 years old probably.  I remembered that i’m living in Bandar, Brunei at Kiarong, me and my two brothers.  I remembered playing with them inside and outside of the house.  I remembered that me and my brothers playing with the biscuits, until suddenly messy all over the place.  My parents were home from work at night and they were surprised and terrified.  I also remembered that my grandfather playing with us like make a funny act to make us happy before we gone to bed.

My first school was at Sunshine Kindergarten School, that moment i remembered a boy cried for his mom.  And then i remembered that i was waiting for my dad to pick me up from school, like silently (i don’t know why).  I was told that i only studied there for two months.

I moved to Sekolah Rendah Kiarong.  I remembered that i was bullied by the boys like scolding me and i tried to catch them.  That time the boys were very naughty.  I remembered i play with one of my friend, she held two tables so that her feet can swing.  She asked me to push harder and harder until she fell right on her face, and i saw her mouth was bleeding.  That time i don’t know what to do, and after few minutes, i remembered that our teacher glanced at me like she’s try to eat me.

I didn’t recall how long i studied there.  Because after that, i moved to Temburong, where we lived in my grand parents’s house.  I studied at Sekolah Rendah Bokok.  I made a lot of friends there.  I remembered that i bought a lot of candy there.  Didn’t affect my teeth though because i’d been taught to brush my teeth. 😀

And then we moved again to Bandar, Brunei.  Me and my brother studied at Sekolah Rendah Kilanas.  I was in Primary 4 and brother was in Primary Pra.  I remembered that i was eating chewing gum and this boy who used to be a leader of the class like threat me to tell the teacher that i’m eating, and that time i swallowed immediately.  I remembered we had a small chaos that a dog’s poop were in our class and when we went outside, there’s a dog stuck at the fence.  My teacher hit the dog with the plank until the dog fell and ran away outside the school.  I remembered that my English teacher taught us to sing a bird song and i still remember that song;

“I’m a big big bird, in a big big world and have legs, and have legs, i got one small beak but no teeth teeth teeth and i lay eggs”

something like that.  We enjoyed that time.

After a year and a half, we moved back to Temburong and lived in my grand parents house and i studied again at Sekolah Rendah Bokok.  Can’t believe that they still remembered me and some of them told me not to move again.  And i said no.

Muhasabah Story Part 2

In The Name of Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

When i checked my email, i received from IBTE for the final result for my brother.  Last time he applied and he got interviewed.  And after that, he’s waiting for the answers.  With the helped of my email, so i got to check.  So when i opened it and read it, unfortunately it was an unsuccessful.  So i told my brother by texting in a group family and told them the bad news.  Quickly my brother replied that he was very disappointed. So i gave him advices that may be this is not meant to be yet.  It’s not his rezeki this year.  Try again next year.  He said that he gave it all on the interview, try to get their attentions.  And i replied, “it’s not about attention, it’s about intention.”

True.  If we told what we got, and what we can do just to get their attention, of course they are going to impress but the thing is, that’s not what they looking for, isn’t it?  If we really want to get there, of course we have our intention; what? why? who? how? when?  These things needs to be ready what is our intention actually.  If we want to go or do something and seeking Allah’s redha, insha Allah, Allah will gives us and eases our journey.  And if we want to go or do something just to seek people’s attention, may be Allah will not redha.  Wallahu’alam.

Remember to refresh our intention.

How “heart” can it be?

In The Name of Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

That’s funny topic, isn’t it?  I just randomly to picked that.

It’s been a while that i didn’t write here, well all the works and netball’s and NO WIFI at home…but i still manage to find some “inspiration”.

How am i?  A question that needs to be ask for myself.  You should too.  Try it, Because you’re the only one knows how are you feeling.

 

My heart is just…missing something.  Missing that i miss to fill my heart with positive surroundings.  Missing that i missed something.  Sometimes after all the hectic from work, i sometimes attending programs which i really needed.  That is the moment i really miss.  Oh i could just wish to turn back time to the good old days when we talked each other of remembering Allah.  Always surrounded by positive people where people can accepted us for who we are.  Being loved, cared, helped, supported.  Everything.  I miss those days.

But one thing for sure, we really cannot turn back time.  Because that’s the only chance that Allah gave to us.  We sometimes question that when are we going to feel those days again.  My friends, asked me different types of questions;

“What makes you stay in His Path?”

“How are you so far?”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you comfortable?”

Masha Allah…what a good questions which i could not possibly answer all.  How “heart” can it be?  Sometimes i want to cry because my heart felt it.  Even though i sharing those moments, but not all of it.  Because deep inside my heart, people wouldn’t understand because they were not in my shoes.  But what i loved about them is, they care.  Asking all those questions makes me bless.  Blessed that i still have them, who always cares and support and most important, they pray for me.  :’)  And that is what i missed.  Really miss those moments.

O Allah, tighten our heart to You.  Reunited us in Your Jannah, where they bring me to get closed to You, where they bring me to Loving You more, where they bring me to Remember You.  O Allah, i really miss them.  Bless them with your taufiq wal hidayah. Amiin.

I had a bad day…

In The Name of Allah The Most Merciful and The Most Gracious

25th March 2017,

This is my first time experienced in my entire life.

My dad went to fishing at Miri so he drive by himself there and my 2nd brother went to Indonesia so he left his car at home.  My mom wanted to use my car to sent my sister to school for tuition and so i end up using my 2nd brother’s car.

So as usual, i woke up, i get dressed for work and before i go to work, i have to turn on the engine car so that it warm up.  Then i saw this little yellow light, a shaped of an engine and it said “check”.  I was suspicious that should i check or should i tell mom.  But in my mind said that my car didn’t appear.  So i ignored it and i drove to work.

5 p.m., i was about to go to UBD for Netball drilling in Indoors but something came up that i need my laptop to do it.  Since my laptop is at home, so i turn around Gadong and drove all the way to Jalan Permaisuara.  I saw that little yellow light engine shape again and in addition, a little red light a shape of a lamp.  I was thinking at that time that did my engine car stop??  At that time, i reached to the little roundabout try to make a right turn to shortcut, with all of the sudden….i pressed my paddle speed but didn’t work.  My car stopped.  The engine has stopped.  But i didn’t panicked.  I just took my cell phone out and called my mom straight away.

With a long chat, my mom panicked and then i heard my first brother’s voice.  I told them to come here but my brother just told me to call the agent for towing service.  So i just called the agent right away and i have to wait for 45 minutes.

With all cars come and go, looking at my car stuck in the middle of the road, and i saw one car pulled over, and a man came out from his car.  And that i was panicking inside me but i have to relax and be calm.  The man approach me and said “you want a jumper?  I have jumper.  Kesian bah kita.”.  I was speechless.  Then he pushed the car ALONE to his car so that he can do jumper.

Unfortunately, it’s not working because it’s not a battery problem.  He said that probably it’s an engine problem.  He said that he was sorry that he cannot help and i said “its okay, thank you that you helping me,”  He thought i was a Malaysian but i said no.  I asked him if he is a Malaysian and he said “I’m a Filipino.”  I shocked.  And he even said that he sorry for how he dressed (he wore a singlet with short pants and a cap) and i said that its okay.  At the same time i embarrassed.  So at the end, he helped to push the car ALONE to the aside because it’s very dangerous in the middle of the road.  And i thanked him for helping me.

And so the towing service came, and thank God, one of my friend willing to send me home as well (cry inside).

For all the incident, i still thinking of that man.  He was so generous, he even helped even though didn’t work but willing to helped.  All of people crossing by, only a Filipino man who stopped, pulled over and tried to help.  I mean what are the odds happen here?  I thank Allah that He sent the Filipino man.  I pray for him, may Allah gives him blessing and hidayah to him.  Reward him with the best reward.

A moment to remember.

ridicare-masini

Not lost…but…

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In The Name of Allah The Most Merciful and The Most Gracious.

Now i am currently working at one of the Private Sector companies and supposed to be i permanent there.  A good experience so far, multi-tasking work, similar with my education background.  And i might say having & not having hard time with surroundings (*in the office)  but for me is typical.  Foreign workers & local workers, different religion i might say, even the locals (*well i say one only who is non-muslim).  A very good starting salary.  So everything is fine so far.  I almost feel 100% that i will wok there forever.

I have been offered a job which that related to my background education from another company.  Convincing me that more “understandable” and starting salary also similar (*well plus 1 only) but a good opportunity.  So i go for it, as in i sent my CV and just waiting for the answers.

Now, in the company that i currently working, since my boss was here so that is my opportunity to step up and open up discussion regarding about job.  I just simply asked some questions that if i am in probation, what if i had been accepted by another company or another job.  And then my boss asked me why should i accepted job from another company.  So i answered to gain some experience and to tell the truth, because of financial.  And then my boss said many things, somehow like convincing me to stay, somehow gives me an opportunity, a GOLDEN opportunity to work and committed with their company.  Offering me a higher salary with one condition that to SHOW them that i am worth it, that i am capable, even waiting me to step up that if i am better than everyone else then i got high salary.  But at the end my boss always said that is my decision.  I told that with all my respect, i just don’t want to be issued if i tell them that i quit and that’s it, that’s why i asked my boss earlier.  I said i was sorry with my disrespect about information about i work there temporary because i look for another jobs as well. So i felt guilty at first and my boss need my decision/update by at the end of February. Since already sent my CV so i just waiting for news from them and at the same time i need to make a decision for company that i currently work.

What i’m trying to say is that, how can i make that decision so fast.  And i didn’t put “too much” hope on the other company that i am waiting for (*a good opportunity that somehow i want to work there).

So simply i am not in lost but i kind of like.

Right now, i was just thinking.

Rezeki is everywhere.  One door closed and billions of doors are still open wide.  So at the end, we need to turn to Allah and ask Allah and tell Allah what is on our mind, our heart.  Just let it out and the most important thing is TRUST in Allah.  So maybe i better stop feeling so bad and try to turn back to Him.  If it is good or bad, everything is from Allah.  We just accept it with redha.

So, insha Allah.  Whatever it takes, it’s all to up my decision what i want.  And i need to keep strong to do these things and accept with open heart.

Oh Allah, You are The Only One Knows whats in our heart and understands what are we facing.

Muhasabah Episode 1

Assalamu’alaikum.

Today, probably i had been tested my “anger management”.  At work i was focusing on my task.  I searched for it and they keep on pressuring me and i almost about to explode. After they found it, alhamdulillah i can control my emotion.

Then i was been told to take something, and when i search from my list at computer but no record.  After 5 minutes he told me in retrical question that why is not on the record, should be on the record.  And i told him everytime i received it, i always record it.  And at the end, i found it.  So is either he mentioned wrongly or probably my hearing is not good on that time.

And there’s another case where i should get this things from him and somehow he did not reply regarding that.  He even came and i don’t know, at least give the information that i need.  And he just came for the papers and he left.  I can’t bother to asked at that time due to controlling my emotion.  So i just keep it cool and do my work.

So all this for today.  Allah tests my patient if i can control my emotion or not and alhamdulillah i did.  Sometimes we need to calm down and we never know how they feel as well right.  And of course it is not good to destroy my reputation.  Just to show that in Islam, we need to show our action what is Islam is all about.  By action alwayz speaks louder than words.